Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
