Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize