I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
