I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
