your parents love me but you hate me
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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