Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
True strength comes from lack of pants
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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