He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
