Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
