We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
