Umm I'm too high to move.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
