There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
