just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
