fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
