Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
