I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
