Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you traded sex for a burrito?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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