Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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