My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
