No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
