I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm passing your future prison.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
