I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
