You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
