She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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