My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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