i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
