Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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