They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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