Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
