Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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