My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
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