dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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