beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
