please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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