i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
