so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
