Me. At least after what I've been through.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
