Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
