I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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