peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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