you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
