Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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