insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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