took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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