he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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