If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
