A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
