I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
