Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
