I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
