who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
