I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
