I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
