i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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