i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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