We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
